Dear Mr Blackstone,
I am Muhammad Aufalmaram Bin Samsulbahri. I am writing to you this letter to introduce myself as one of your students in this Effective Communication module that you are teaching. I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in civil engineering with business and furthered my studies in the civil engineering programme offered by SIT.
I am Muhammad Aufalmaram Bin Samsulbahri. I am writing to you this letter to introduce myself as one of your students in this Effective Communication module that you are teaching. I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in civil engineering with business and furthered my studies in the civil engineering programme offered by SIT.
I do enjoy playing sports such as soccer or touch/contact
rugby during my free time and I am currently in the school's contact rugby team.
Besides being physical, i have a softer side of me that loves watching movies
and spending time with my family.
In terms of my weaknesses in communication, I display limited sentence structure, vocabulary and grammar use in sentences. With an addition to my dislike in reading and writing, it results in
difficulties displaying my ideas or purpose due to the lack of proper sentence structure. I
believe to improve communication better, one has to be knowledgeable. I
am unfortunately not all-knowing and lacking in that set of skill.
However, in terms of my strengths in verbal communication, I believe I am a good listener. I do listen before stating my opinions and thoughts on a
topic. This ensures mutual respect between me and the speaker.
One of my goals in this module is to improve and minimise my
weaknesses stated. Moreover, having fun and enjoying the learning process while
addressing them is my upmost expectation in this module. I believe with the knowledge and skills learned, i will be better equipped for the future in many different aspects in my career.
I hope my goals will be achieved and I am looking forward to
absorb more skills and knowledge from you in the upcoming lessons. Thank
you.
Best Regards,
Aufal Samsul
CVE1281
Group 4
*Editted 10/2/2019
*Commented on Syahiran, Daniel and Domenic's Introduction
*Editted 10/2/2019
*Commented on Syahiran, Daniel and Domenic's Introduction
Hi Aufal,
ReplyDeleteIt was great knowing you from your blog. You shared somethings which I would have otherwise not known before this. I particularly like the fact that you shared the “softer side” of you. This shows the more emotional side of yourself, and I particularly feel that this is an important trait for us to show in a fast-paced society like Singapore.
Your writing has good content, you elaborated on your point very well and articulated your points across.
However, I feel that there are some areas for improvements:
1) “I have graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in Civil Engineering with Business and furthered my studies in this Civil Engineering programme offered by SIT.”
I feel that the word “have” could be omitted out and the word “this” could be replaced with “the”.
The sentence could have rephrased into “I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in civil engineering with business and furthered my studies in the civil engineering programme offered by SIT.”
2) “I do enjoy playing sports such as soccer or touch/contact rugby during my free time and I am currently with the school team in contact rugby.”
The sentence could have been phrased better into “I do enjoy playing sports such as soccer or touch/contact rugby during my free time and I am currently in the school’s contact rugby team.
3) I feel that the position of the third and fourth paragraph can be swapped so that your strengths will appear first, followed by your weakness.
4) “In terms of my weaknesses in communication, I display a limited set of structure, vocabulary and grammar use in sentences I construct on paper.”
This sentence could have been better phrased into “In terms of my weakness in communication, I display limited sentence structure, vocabulary and grammar in the written form.”
5) “I believe to improve communication better, you have to be knowledgeable. I am unfortunately not all-knowing and lacking in that set of skill.”
I think that some of the content here is unnecessary and that it can be better phrased into “To improve on my communicating skills, I strongly believe that knowledge is the key”
I hope that I have been able to aid you in improving your writing and given you constructive feedback. I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to achieve your goals in this module. Thank you.
Best regards,
Alfian
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Aufal,
ReplyDeleteIt was nice to know you better from this introduction and had enjoy reading your post.
However, there are a few minor mistakes in your post.
1. “i will be better equipped for the future in many different aspects in my career.” I should be capitalized
2. “This ensures mutual respect between me and the speaker” It ensures mutual respect between the speaker and me
3. 2nd paragraph is a little too long, can add a comma before ‘and’.
4. 4th paragraph, however should be followed by a comma.
I hope you will be able to achieve your goals in this module. Thank you.
Cheers,
Daniel
Dear Aufal,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your patience and this first post. The letter is fairly well detailed and informative. We learn quite a bit about your educational experience, your hobbies, your sense of communication strengths and weaknesses, and your goals. We can see that you have a positive attitude toward developing your skills.
Since you’d like to improve on your writing this term, there are a few language issues that we might look at (aside from those mentioned by your peers):
1. sentence structure
-- Besides being physical, there is a softer side ... >
Besides being physical, I have a softer side ... (Do you understand why the form should be this?)
2. phrasing
-- I believe to improve communication better, you have to be knowledgeable. > (When you use 'you' here, it is too direct with the reader, too conversational for a formal letter. Try 'a person/one/the communicator'.)
-- my upmost > (Check the dictionary for spelling.)
I look forward to reading more from you this term.
Cheers,
Brad